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Showing posts with label urine. Show all posts
Showing posts with label urine. Show all posts

Thursday, May 20, 2021

Phantom Hogs Scavenger Hunt- Results!

First, let me apologize for the slight delay in posting these results. This has been necessary due to some controversy regarding an item one of our competitors ALLEGEDLY scavenged. After careful consultation with Phantom Hogs Scavenger Hunt officials, it has been decided that a stadium does not constitute merchandise as it is not freely available for purchase by a typical fan, even if the team is so bad that it is unlikely to have such fans. Furthermore, Matt, as you pointed out, the team is not actually last in its league, only last in its division. For Phantom Hogs Scavenger Hunt purposes, this has been deemed a distinction of material importance. Therefore, your request to count the stadium of the Brooklyn Cyclones has been denied and, as a consequence, no points will be awarded. 

Now that we've got that out of the way, I'd like to kick things off by thanking Jen Koury for starting off the competition with this ABSOLUTELY EPIC photo of her posing with a small pile of goose shit (fig 1). Jen, I hope you turn this thing into an NFT and retire off the proceeds.

Figure 1

While we're at it, let's all congratulate Jen on finishing strongly in third place in the competition with seven points. The more eagle-eyed (apex predator pun not intended) competition auditors among you will notice that this includes points for a summit marker that doesn't actually appear in Jen's photos, but the judges decided to give her benefit of the doubt on this because the summit was closed at the time. Those wishing to file a formal protest with the contest's governing body should write a strongly worded letter to the judges, then place it very carefully into a large envelope to avoid creasing, seal it with both adhesive and hot wax bearing their family's seal, drop it into the closest dumpster, and light the entire thing on fire.  The judges are not interested in dissenting opinions and Jen would finish in third place regardless of whether these points were awarded to her or not because she beat the fourth place finisher by three points.

The competition for the win in this contest between Matt and Vanessa was fierce. I think we can all agree that there were a couple exchanges between the two of them where the shit-talking was so intense it was almost scary (fig 2).

Figure 2

They scavenged chäirs. They scavenged bones, balloons, social media influencers, and bottles of urine.The results were remarkably close, but there could only be one winner and that winner was Vanessa!  Some may say this makes Matt a loser (fig 3), but I don't think this is fair.

Figure 3

At the end of the day, Vanessa beat Matt 17-16 even though the judges awarded him two points instead of none for his failed attempt at getting a selfie with some woman's dog in a stroller. The judges said that they liked how he actually approached the woman and asked to take a selfie with her dog instead of taking the easy way out and doing it incog-creep-o.  This is how we will ingratiate ourselves with the general public and grow our ranks, folks!

So by now you've got to be wondering, "How did Vanessa pull off the come from behind one point win? What was the difference maker?" Answer: creativity. Vanessa's key find that put her over the top for the win was bones.  Kind of. It was actually a discourteous restaurant-goer's discarded chicken wing (fig 4).  In this case, one person's trash really was another person's treasure.


Figure 4

Additionally, both Vanessa and Matt won multiple additional awards. Both were able to win the "Murder Mystery" award for their bone finds, a feat that's even more impressive when you consider that they both found their bones on road runs! The judges were definitely anticipating that only trail runners would be coming across corpses. Both of them also won the coveted "Influencer in the Wild" award by capturing a stranger taking a selfie. Sick. But Matt was able to come out on top in the competition for consolation prizes by winning "Gold Strike" award when he located a Bai bottle filled with the urine of what we can only assume is an uncharacteristically health-conscious trucker.

Please join me in congratulating Vanessa for winning, Matt for finding a bottle of human piss,  Jen for submitting a wonderful photo of her posing next to pile of goose shit in the middle of a park full of confused and horrified on-lookers, and everyone else who took part in the hunt!

Phantom Hogs Scavenger Hunt- Results!

First, let me apologize for the slight delay in posting these results. This has been necessary due to some controversy regarding an item one...